it's been one of those days

where you listen to the same song on repeat over and over and over again. Not necessarily because the lyrics are particularly special or because it makes you want to dance. It's been on of those nights where you listen to the song over and over because the mood of the song describes you and it somehow helps you cope with what you're facing at the moment.

Tonight the facts were basically laid out to me; laid out with no fluff. I probably needed to face the truth at some point, but I guess I wasn't ready. I've wanted to cry all night; just let out all of my emotion. I'm lost and I don't want to start all over. I'm not ready for new beginnings. I'm still stuck in my old beginnings and they're all I want. Do I really want to date? No. Do I really want to move on? No. 

I realized tonight that I still have more grieving to do, and that's okay. It's okay to be sad and hurt. It's okay for me to not want to look into the future right now. It's okay that I still cry sometimes. It's okay that I still miss him. 

I want to slap him, and then apologize a million times over. I want to punch him and then kiss it better. But most of all, I just want him to tell me that he still cares about me. I don't care if he doesn't want to date me; I  just want him to still care. 

Maybe I'm asking too much, but I don't care. I'm going to be selfish right now, and I think it's okay. 

I'm gonna take a few deep breaths and cry. It's going to all be better in the morning.

stay tuned.