can't a girl catch a break?

Recently, I've tried to keep my post positive. I know that reading a blog that is full of negativity is annoying, and frankly, no one wants to read all about my OCD woes. But, I need to have a complaining, expressive OCD post tonight, so you'll just have to bare with me.

Let's be honest. I'm getting really sick of this OCD. It truly controls my life, and it's not fair. I mean, I know that we all have our own trials and difficulties that we must face in life. But I'm going to be selfish for a moment and just complain about mine. 

I am SO SICK of questioning my feelings, emotions, and everything else in my life at this moment. It seems that if it is important to me, then I freak out. It is exhausting to constantly be fighting a battle within your own mind. It rips my heart to shreds and all I want to do is cry. I've been fighting this battle for so long and it just gets so difficult. Sometimes I just want to give up. I just want to let my OCD consume me so that I can have an excuse for all my problems. 

I know I seem pretty happy on the outside. I've learned how to hide my emotions pretty well in these last two dreadful years. And I usually only break down in front of my mom and my best friends. But inside, I'm usually a mess of emotions. I just want to scream, cry, punch something. And to be honest, I miss my counselor. I always looked forward to/dreaded my Monday meetings with him. I loved being able to confide in him with my deepest fears and he would just listen. He'd ask me questions and try to understand WHY I felt the way I was feeling. But I also dreaded 9 o'clock on Monday morning. I always cried. I cannot recall a session that I didn't cry, unless I was faking my happy emotions that week. 

I just feel like when I'm happy, all my mind can seem to wrap around is something that will make me terribly miserable. I know this is Satan's doing because he knows me well enough to know what will break my spirit. But really, can he just lay off for a little while?! And I know he never will. 

I want to be held and soothed. I want someone to reassure me that I will be okay; that my world is not ending and that I can and WILL feel okay one day. I want guidance; I need guidance. 

Wow, I just really needed to get that off my chest. I'm sorry if you read this post. I know it's long and annoying. No one wants to read about other people's problems. We all have our own problems to deal with. 

Anyway, I feel better now. haha. 

whyyyyyyy

would you wear a skirt unless you don't have to? This has always baffled me! I mean, I'm all for a cute, girly skirt but I just can't seem to bring myself to wear a skirt unless I have to. I think it has something to do with having to sit lady-like constantly. I mean, not that I don't usually sit in a lady like fashion, but knowing that I have to makes it just so difficult.

haha.

cat got your tongue

I've decided that I have the cutest kitty ever. Last night Kiki was asleep on my lap and she just looked so cute that I called Hunter into my room to hand me my camera so I could take pictures of her.

I think my skills are slowly getting better :)

Check out that depth of field! And that clarity! It's funny how through trial and error you slowly learn things about your camera that makes things so much easier! Go ahead, praise me if you feel the need ;) JUST KIDDING!

what a slap in the face

We're all faced with hard things in life. We're all faced with trials that we could have never comprehended we would endure, but our outlook on our trials is what makes us strong. Our faith in our Heavenly Father to carry us when we can't walk ourselves is what makes us stronger. 

I just read a blog. She's not a friend of mine, but she is the sister of a girl I knew many years ago at EFY. She has recently been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Within the past year she has also been diagnosed with Endometriosis which has caused her to have surgery on her ovaries. This also means that she will most likely have to endure another surgery to have a hysterectomy within the next few years. Did I mention that she now has to go on chemotherapy for her RA? Oh wait, I forgot to tell you.. she's 23. Yes, 23. Two years older then myself.

I thought I've had trials that are difficult, but compared to hers mine are just bumps in the road. I cannot even imagine the things she's faced in such a short life. But, her outlook and faith in our Heavenly Father is incredible. 

I aspire to have the faith and love that she has. I know that she has moments of breaking down, for she is only human. I know that this will not lessen the difficulties that I will/have face(d) with my trials, but when I feel like I just want to give up, I can think back to her. I can recall her strength and positivity. She is truly a daughter of our Heavenly Father. A very special daughter. 

So, I ask that you will pray for her. I won't leave her name for her privacy, but He'll know who you are referring to.  You'll be blessed for your act of service, I promise :)

conclusions

I've come to the conclusion that some people are just plain annoying. You cannot be happy all the time. Something has to make you mad. Stop acting perfect. It is SLIGHTLY obnoxious.

That is all,
Maria

p.s. I seem to have a problem with my spelling on my blog. For the record, I am actually an excellent speller. I just have a problem with proof reading :)

campin' foo

This weekend we're going camping... Yes, you read that correctly. My family is going CAMPING. Now I will survive, I do not know.

We're going in Pennsylvania. The dog is going (stupid dog). It's supposed to rain a lot. MEH. And I may not get to chat on Monday :( This is will be long week.

Alas, I did get my hair done today. I am SUPA blonde again. You may observe my adorable self below.

tank top

meh. got my tank top for work today.

it's the lifeguard ones where they are really loose fitting and breezy...

yeah, well if you're not wearing a bathing suit under the shirt and just a bra, it looks a LITTLE trashy.

Tyler, the kid I work with replied with, "OCD! OCD!" haha. now he thinks everything that I worry about is because of my ocd.

But, let me just tell you. I work with some pretty awesome people. Jordan and Tyler. WE ARE THE DREAM TEAM! FOOOOOO SHOOOOOO!