can't a girl catch a break?

Recently, I've tried to keep my post positive. I know that reading a blog that is full of negativity is annoying, and frankly, no one wants to read all about my OCD woes. But, I need to have a complaining, expressive OCD post tonight, so you'll just have to bare with me.

Let's be honest. I'm getting really sick of this OCD. It truly controls my life, and it's not fair. I mean, I know that we all have our own trials and difficulties that we must face in life. But I'm going to be selfish for a moment and just complain about mine. 

I am SO SICK of questioning my feelings, emotions, and everything else in my life at this moment. It seems that if it is important to me, then I freak out. It is exhausting to constantly be fighting a battle within your own mind. It rips my heart to shreds and all I want to do is cry. I've been fighting this battle for so long and it just gets so difficult. Sometimes I just want to give up. I just want to let my OCD consume me so that I can have an excuse for all my problems. 

I know I seem pretty happy on the outside. I've learned how to hide my emotions pretty well in these last two dreadful years. And I usually only break down in front of my mom and my best friends. But inside, I'm usually a mess of emotions. I just want to scream, cry, punch something. And to be honest, I miss my counselor. I always looked forward to/dreaded my Monday meetings with him. I loved being able to confide in him with my deepest fears and he would just listen. He'd ask me questions and try to understand WHY I felt the way I was feeling. But I also dreaded 9 o'clock on Monday morning. I always cried. I cannot recall a session that I didn't cry, unless I was faking my happy emotions that week. 

I just feel like when I'm happy, all my mind can seem to wrap around is something that will make me terribly miserable. I know this is Satan's doing because he knows me well enough to know what will break my spirit. But really, can he just lay off for a little while?! And I know he never will. 

I want to be held and soothed. I want someone to reassure me that I will be okay; that my world is not ending and that I can and WILL feel okay one day. I want guidance; I need guidance. 

Wow, I just really needed to get that off my chest. I'm sorry if you read this post. I know it's long and annoying. No one wants to read about other people's problems. We all have our own problems to deal with. 

Anyway, I feel better now. haha.