no fetchin' way

Okay, so I'm going to vent here for a minute.

I am extremely sick of seeing these 19 year old girls getting married. Granted, you could say that I'm just jealous, and to some extent I am. But I also have a hard time believing that they have dated enough to know who they want to marry.

I feel like I am the MASTER of first/second dates. It never goes past the second. I feel like I am just too honest for the boys at BYUI. I am not going to become the sheltered, quite housewife that they are looking for. I am out spoken, loud, sometimes crude, energetic and very honest. But I am also very loving, respectful, compassionate, strong faithfully, talented, and possibly the most 'would do anything for you' girlfriend they would ever have. And I never get the chance to prove it.

I hate when people tell me that I'm "just not ready" to get married. Excuse me while I take offense to your comment, but thank you for telling me that I am not mature enough to get married. I know that I may not be the most mature 21 year old female you will ever meet, but I know that I have lived my whole life to get married. I want an eternal family. I want a husband to spoil, cry to, cuddle with, and love with all my heart.

Being 21 at a church school isn't easy. If you're not married people start assuming that there must be something wrong. I hate being asked if I'm going to go on a mission as well. NO, just because I am 21 and not married does NOT mean that I am going on a mission. A mission is not for me.

I have a very good reason for not going on a mission and I have a very good reason for not being married. Neither of which are really any of anyone's concern, but I openly share why. For one, I have OCD. Going on a mission with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is extremely hard. A mission is already extremely difficult and to openly put stress on myself that could cause possible panic attacks is not something that I want to do. Secondly, no one should go on a mission just because they aren't married, or because they feel obligated. You must WANT it for yourself and for the Lord. Why am I not married seems to be a common question as well, as to which I wish to response "Well it's really none of your business and let me guess, you got married at 18 and had a kid by 19." But in all honesty, I spent two years of my life waiting patiently for a boy on a mission. It was supposed to work, everything said it would. And it didn't. I didn't date for two years because I was fearful of falling in love with someone else and having to break my missionary's heart. (Now that I look back on it, I wish I wasn't so worried about that. He didn't seem to be when it came to breaking mine.)

In all honesty, I want a boyfriend. I want someone to love me and for me to love them back. I don't only want it, but I need it. I need it for my own sanity.

I'm sorry if you read this whole post. I use my blog as a journal, so it tends to get somewhat personal. But if you did read this, I hope you realize the pressure that LDS young adult women go through. It isn't easy, so next time you ask a girl why she isn't married, maybe you should think about what has been going on in her life. I'm sick of being judged.