keep on trudgin'

I received the best advice from my mom tonight.

Just live life.

Such a simple statement, but a statement that made a lasting impact. I'm always so concerned with trying to plan my life so that it goes the way I want it to go. I'm scared of letting things fall into place. No, this does not free me from my anxiety and fear of the unknown. I wish it did, but I know myself all to well.

But starting today, I'm going to try to let things go. Planning ahead of time does nothing for me but cause stress and pressure. And why put that on myself? I have a year to let things fall into place. If they fall into place the way I hope they do, then that would be the best possible situation. If they don't, I know the Lord has a better plan for me.

As much as I sometimes hate to admit it, the Lord knows me better then I know myself. Hard to imagine, but true. So, I'm letting my Heavenly Father take the wheel. I'm going to stay on the strait and narrow, do what I'm supposed to, and know that as long as I'm doing my best, the best is yet to come.

The best is yet to come.

panicy

Last night was a bad night.

4:00 am + anxiety = panic attack.

It was definitely the worst panic attack I've had so far. Hyperventilating, crying, shaking. All I could do was stare. No words came out of my mouth as my mom had to calm me down. I stared, wide-eyed. The kind of sad, wide-eyed stare that Puss n Boots gives in Shrek. My mom just talked to me, about anything. I could barely muster shaking my head yes or no. I've never been so scared in all my life.

This OCD. This disorder has slowly, but surely taken over my life. I've become lost in my own thoughts, and I can't seem to come out of it. And the worst part? Knowing that the only thing that could fix my anxiety was the one thing that had started the whole thing.

I want Ryan.
Simple as that.

Denver, ColorAHdo

Long time, no post. Sorry for not keeping up with my blog recently. Anyway, as you know, my best friend just got married a few weeks ago. But, that was just a fraction of my trip to the beautiful city of Denver. 

When I landed in Denver, Lindsay picked me up at the airport. It was so good to see her again! We grabbed my bag, and off we were to the Rockies game. Sadly, they lost to the Pirates, BUT it was my first major league game of anything! And how lucky was I to catch the Cracker Jacks they throw out during the seventh inning stretch! (Well, I more like snatched them out of another mans hand, but I still won.) 

The next day we did some shopping, and Lindsay altered her bridesmaid dress from a size 14 to a 6. (Yes, she is incredible.) We also made Megan a veil to wear that night on her bachelorette party to Hard Rock. 

 

Megan's wedding was on Thursday. It was so beautiful to be able to be apart of something so sacred and eternal. Seeing how happy Megan was was such an inspiring experience. 

Later that night, Lindsay, Logan and I went to Jump Street. My new favorite activity for sure. Basically, Jump Street was a warehouse full of trampolines. I tried my first backflip since I broke my shoulder when I was 13. I landed on my knees a few times, but I finally started landing on my feet!

Friday we went to the Elich Gardens. It was an amusement park in downtown Denver. To quote Lindsay when we were looking for a parking spot, "Yep, some of Denver's finest...." The first roller coaster we rode gave us a headache, and it stayed with us the entire day. Lets just say that every ride we went on gave us TERRIBLE pains that would shoot through our heads. Even the simplest of rides made us want them to stop as soon as they started. The only thing we could associate it with was Jump Street the night before, but we have no idea. 

Saturday, Lindsay's parents woke us up at the crack of dawn to go to the lake. I even skied for a few seconds!

Favorite quote of the trip from Lindsay's dad, "Maria, is that your phone ringing? I think the lake is calling..." 

Anyway, I had an awesome time in Colorado. I can't wait to go back, and I'm so thankful to the Smith family for making it such an awesome experience!