keep on trudgin'

I received the best advice from my mom tonight.

Just live life.

Such a simple statement, but a statement that made a lasting impact. I'm always so concerned with trying to plan my life so that it goes the way I want it to go. I'm scared of letting things fall into place. No, this does not free me from my anxiety and fear of the unknown. I wish it did, but I know myself all to well.

But starting today, I'm going to try to let things go. Planning ahead of time does nothing for me but cause stress and pressure. And why put that on myself? I have a year to let things fall into place. If they fall into place the way I hope they do, then that would be the best possible situation. If they don't, I know the Lord has a better plan for me.

As much as I sometimes hate to admit it, the Lord knows me better then I know myself. Hard to imagine, but true. So, I'm letting my Heavenly Father take the wheel. I'm going to stay on the strait and narrow, do what I'm supposed to, and know that as long as I'm doing my best, the best is yet to come.

The best is yet to come.

panicy

Last night was a bad night.

4:00 am + anxiety = panic attack.

It was definitely the worst panic attack I've had so far. Hyperventilating, crying, shaking. All I could do was stare. No words came out of my mouth as my mom had to calm me down. I stared, wide-eyed. The kind of sad, wide-eyed stare that Puss n Boots gives in Shrek. My mom just talked to me, about anything. I could barely muster shaking my head yes or no. I've never been so scared in all my life.

This OCD. This disorder has slowly, but surely taken over my life. I've become lost in my own thoughts, and I can't seem to come out of it. And the worst part? Knowing that the only thing that could fix my anxiety was the one thing that had started the whole thing.

I want Ryan.
Simple as that.

Denver, ColorAHdo

Long time, no post. Sorry for not keeping up with my blog recently. Anyway, as you know, my best friend just got married a few weeks ago. But, that was just a fraction of my trip to the beautiful city of Denver. 

When I landed in Denver, Lindsay picked me up at the airport. It was so good to see her again! We grabbed my bag, and off we were to the Rockies game. Sadly, they lost to the Pirates, BUT it was my first major league game of anything! And how lucky was I to catch the Cracker Jacks they throw out during the seventh inning stretch! (Well, I more like snatched them out of another mans hand, but I still won.) 

The next day we did some shopping, and Lindsay altered her bridesmaid dress from a size 14 to a 6. (Yes, she is incredible.) We also made Megan a veil to wear that night on her bachelorette party to Hard Rock. 

 

Megan's wedding was on Thursday. It was so beautiful to be able to be apart of something so sacred and eternal. Seeing how happy Megan was was such an inspiring experience. 

Later that night, Lindsay, Logan and I went to Jump Street. My new favorite activity for sure. Basically, Jump Street was a warehouse full of trampolines. I tried my first backflip since I broke my shoulder when I was 13. I landed on my knees a few times, but I finally started landing on my feet!

Friday we went to the Elich Gardens. It was an amusement park in downtown Denver. To quote Lindsay when we were looking for a parking spot, "Yep, some of Denver's finest...." The first roller coaster we rode gave us a headache, and it stayed with us the entire day. Lets just say that every ride we went on gave us TERRIBLE pains that would shoot through our heads. Even the simplest of rides made us want them to stop as soon as they started. The only thing we could associate it with was Jump Street the night before, but we have no idea. 

Saturday, Lindsay's parents woke us up at the crack of dawn to go to the lake. I even skied for a few seconds!

Favorite quote of the trip from Lindsay's dad, "Maria, is that your phone ringing? I think the lake is calling..." 

Anyway, I had an awesome time in Colorado. I can't wait to go back, and I'm so thankful to the Smith family for making it such an awesome experience!

those days

Do you ever have those days when you are just down on yourself? Those days when you feel like you are a bad person, and that nothing will ever work out in your favor?

Well, today was one of those days. It always seems to creep up on Sunday. Maybe because I am in a spiritual mood, or maybe because I'm just thinking too much. Today has been filled with sorrow and discouragement. I cannot stop looking back on past sin, and realizing how stupid it was of me, as if I can't move on. What a heavy burden to carry.

As I was sitting, pondering, I remembered a youtube video that was shared with me during my Scripture Study class this past Winter semester. A simple talk shared with BYU students in 1996. It gave me hope, and on a day like today, it encouraged me to think positively.

I am a good person. I do good things. I am not perfect. I work hard. I study hard. I live the gospel. I attend church regularly. I magnify my callings. I read the scriptures. I serve others. I follow the commandments. I attend the temple. I listen to good music. I share my testimony.

These are just simple things that I have pondered on, but they are simple thoughts of encouragement. These are simple things that are going well in my life that the Lord has blessed me with. Putting faith in the Lord begins today. And nothing will hold me back.



"Faith is like spiritual oxygen. As we allow faith to freely flow within us, it awakens and enlivens our spiritual senses. It breathes life into our very souls." - David S. Baxter

for time and all eternity

It's 13 days until my best friend, Megan Aulick, marries her prince charming! I am so excited for

her, and am so glad that she is so incredibly happy!

We met my second semester of school, and weren't that close at first. My roommate, Lindsay (my other best friend), and Megan were best friends. The second year of school rolled around, and Megan and I are now inseparable!

She is my best friend, and I confide in her with more then almost anyone else. She's the comfort when I need it, and she's always there to tell me everything will work out. I miss our snowboarding fridays, and shredding on our "shreders." The many friday nights we s

pent together after snowboarding just laying on the couch because we were too tired to move. Remember when we got stuck in Provo for conference weekend because LindsayBug's car, Francis, went on the fritz? Oh when we had to ride the shuttle back to make it to classes on tuesday, although we'd already missed mondays classes? Or, the one time when we were walking back from an activity on campus and you tripped on sidewalk and almost face planted?

It's easy to become sad that she is getting married, knowing that she's going to be living in Omaha. We're not going to get to see each other as often as we'd like, but I know we'll still be the closest of friends. Knowing that one day, I'll find the same happiness that she shares with Matt gives me hope for the future.

I love you, Megan Aulick (Anderson)! :)

:)

As silly as this picture is, it reminds me of how HAPPY I am with Ryan.

I miss this, but I get it for eternity :) All these silly moments, and I hope I can capture more of them on film.

today, i was inspired

I know that I'm a complainer. Sometimes I just think it's my nature. I complain about everything from school, to work, my ocd, the dog. Everything. But recently, it's been my ocd.

I always have a woe is me attitude. I always seem to want everyone to feel bad for me. To understand how hard it is to suffer with ocd. I have been inspired by Stephanie. I stumbled unto her blog today (how I got there, I can't tell you.) But her outlook on life is so positive, and inspiring. I can only strive to have such an amazing since of self, and the Savior.

Watch her story here. I know you won't be disappointed.

Stephanie's Story